Top Five Entries...

There are a few milestones scattered around in life. Your first kiss, that first illegal drink in the pub, the first time you were arrested, passing your driving test. Quite a few in fact.

And today I have hit one of those reached in late years.

Yes...GETTING YOUR CHILD'S HOMEWORK WRONG. Poor Fly-Ass G, he was caught between the wrath of the teacher for "his stupidity" and his own inability to grass up Janky for being well thick.

In the previous years when they bring home the odd bit of long division, or what's French for Window..no worries, well in my scope of competence.

But now Fly's exams approach and it seems things get harder than a pub quiz tie break.

And thanks to 13 years of Labour- we are stressing our kids with more maths and exams EVERY year to rob them of their youth. [Well I spose that it will teach them how to fill in a claim form for when they leave university].

So to take the pressure off the lad, and allow him more time on the X-box I did a sheet of his maths.

123.....a prime number or not.

I said NO.

Disgraceful parenting.

JCF

Just been downtown to check out the sausage shops on the corner of Wency Square. [Apparently they are all owned and staffed by Russians- a local mafia thing- like the ice cream vans that used to sell crack and cornettos on Glasgow council estates.]

The great news for Czech locals is it looks like have gotten into STAG PARTY SEASON. Oh how they adore it. And those that arrive on a Thursday are the ultras of stagging. The Brits as usual are all dressed as Superheroes. The real reason for this of course is nothing to do with being brought up on old Marvel comics. American kids did that- and most Brits under 14 can't read anyway. It's because a Batman/Superman costume has a built in six pack. What better way to disguise your 35 year old beer belly than to hide it under an AbdoSpanx like get up that actually makes you look well fit. We are not conned though- so be honest and all go as Big Daddy or Haystacks, 70's matmen. Lads who were PROUD of their gut.

The best show on offer though was the German stagfest. 8 sonnernkindern all in 'fro wigs, and stick on side boards. The groom was dressed as a fraulein in a pink wig and tiara.

They were being photoed by the tourists more than the statue of King Wency to boot.

One Japanese lady asked why they were dressed so..

"It is because I am getting married in 4 days" replied the cross dressed Hun

"Aaah so..you get married, and your friends dress like drug dealers..strange, in Kobe our men pray and wash before they get married"

TO which we get the non-sequiteur reply:

"But in Germany...we are a little bit crazy"

NO YOU'RE NOT mate...it's only since you had to bale out the Greeks.

JCF

NB when in Prague wear Uggs or cowboy boots. I've turned my ankle more times than Darren "Sicknote" Anderton on the bloody cobbles and tram tracks

Rather like February 15th heralds the big push into Easter, and the end of Halloween is seen as acceptable to rush into Xmas, the same is happening with the world cup.

The Premiership ended yesterday so what better than to give 110% effort in the run up to South Africa kick-off. And to get it all started Tesco's has launched the "World Cup Sandwich".

Before I tuck into it, impossible wrapper permitting, lets imagine how the Tesco Sandwich Development Departement approached its' design.

Mmmm..South Africa, lets pop in a little biltong..no too chewy..ok ostrich, nah it'll make people sick..I know Cape Grapes, palatable and easily sourced.

Next..who are the favourites, Spain- its gotta be chorizo, Holland [an old colonialist]- Edam,

and 5 time winners Brazil- some funky green leaf. Put it in holders Italy bread- ciabatta and YES...it's something approaching a true reflection of the greatest sports tournament on Earth. Worthy of it's football-like sticky label and £2.20 introductory price.

BUT HEY--- what's really in this thing:

"malted brown bread, chicken, pork saussy, smoked FORMED ham, tomato dressing, mayo and spinach"...

just how is that a World Cup sanno? How did spinach make it in the team?

A meaty midfield, yes, but very thin up front.

Come on Tesco..use your imagination, this buttie won't even make it out of the group stages.

JCF

It looks like my carriers have seen the light..this has just arrived into my inbox

"I would like to sincerely apologise for the inconvenience that the disruption to your flight may have caused you.

I can confirm that a payment of £362.22, as refund of your cancelled flight, has already been processed to the original method of payment. This will be made to the credit card used in your original booking within 15-20 working days."

Well, they TAKE my money pretty quickly..shame they can't return it with the same speed.

And...

"Before we can assess your claim for reimbursement, we will need copies of your receipts. These can be scanned and attached to a web form at www.easyJet.com under the "Help" section, which I have included as a link below;

http://www.easyjet.com/en/contact/easyjet_help.html""

Guess what..there is NOWHERE on this page that indicates where to send any form of receipt.

But my favourite bit.....

"The scanned document must be sent via email in one of the following formats, .pdf, .html, .gif, .bmp, .jpg format. It is not allowed to exceed 5 MB in size otherwise we won't receive it.""

Now I am fairly web savvy, but the last time I looked at the boarding scrum on an EJ flight, half the people looked like they didnt possess a computer/or a scanner/or know how to format a scan/ let alone how to keep it all under 5MB!

As Red Snappa says, this is well Orwellian, how could you want to claim your legal rights off us?? Our planes are orange, you love us...maybe they have a point though, if they did go under we'd be stuck with RyanAir. I'd rather walk.

JCF

After way too long in Spain the intrepid 2 are finally back. Hard of arse

[train seats], full of gut [ferry Toblerone- the only thing palatable on a

floating council estate] and the boy better off [ferry bingo].

So the Battersea Blog awards for how to make something seemingly simple,

like repatriating 7 million people worldwide, just so incredibly hard...go

to

HEROES

1.Gatwick Long term Car park. No fuss, just a simple when were you due back,

Oh right a few days ago..well we'll only charge you til then. Awesome. Gold

Award

2. P and O ferries. No, they didn't rip anyone off at all. They offered

places on a fully booked ferry to those with the hardest luck stories. Free

water whilst waiting 5 hours to get on the boat. Free oranges at the same

time. It wasn't their fault the whole of Northern Spain descended on them at

once, but they coped well with 2000 extra people when they were only geared

for 200. My only advice P and O, is how to spot a genuinely disabled person,

rather than the Northern blagging scumbags that hobbled through with a

walking stick to get to the front, only to be later seen doing deck aerobics

whilst at sea. SILVER AWARD

3. Portsmouth Taxi Drivers. Having been ripped off throughout Spain with

incredible fares [£65 from Murcia airport to Murcia] it was good to see the

Pompey Cabbie NOT preying on the travel weary. A fiver from the port to the

station for 3 of us with luggage [we picked up a stray] was honest and fair.

No complaints that we weren't going to Leeds and thus a grand in his hand.

They kept the 100+ queue in order, wouldnt pick up from the back-which would

have caused a Fratton Park style riot, and didnt take you round the "long"

way. BRONZE

VILLAINS

3RD. P and O duty free shop.

Next time theres a volcano, remember there may be a better class of

passenger than you are used to. So stock up on B and H gold, and not only

Mayfair and Dorchester or whatever fags they smoke on Coronation Street.

Mind you I'm getting used to the Regal at the moment.

2ND EASYJET. Twats. OK, it was easy enough to monitor whether your plane was

going or not. But when it was cancelled, yes rebooking seemed easy,until you

saw the dates available. Of course Thursdays and Fridays bumped flyees

booked up Monday and Tuesday ...and so on, but when I looked there was

nothing/nada/zip for 10 days. This is crap. Jet2com put on extra flights,

and at least provided buses to Northern France for it's passengers, Easyjet

just sat on its chubby Greek hands and let people rot or make their own way

back. Not good enough.

And have you tried getting a refund?? Impossible, you need to provide

scanned copies of everything and have at least 3 yes THREE alternate email

address to correspond with them. Its a frank lesson in how to put in a

refund system and then not let it work unless you employ a bloody barrister.

A bit like the NHS complaints system I spose.

1st and the GOLD award for bastardry. That helmet-haired-fat-jobsworth-***t

who works for Renfe, the Spanish rail system on the Madrid to Bilbao run.

The train was leaving at 8am. We were there at 7.50 and he wouldnt accept

the emailed version of the train ticket sent to me by his employers. The

bastard grinned and made me leave the kid on the platform and run back to a

crowded ticketing room to get a print off. Its the same fuckin thing mate.

Sorry I didnt come on holiday with my bloody printer, but in some

circumstances show some flexibility you fool. I made it back with a

minute to spare, had to scan my bags, and guess what, yes some Irish

backpacker nicked my bag out the other side. Security didnt see it happen as

they were too busy "protecting" the fat arse who was trembling at my

"gonnagetcha" withering look. [as practised daily with the staff]. So Juan,

or whatever your parents christened your evil ass, I have your prints on the

ticket stub, am gonna spent 5 years in Benin learning proper voodoo, and one

day you will will wake up with a strange all consuming rash...

Cono hijo [as my Google translate tells me]