See earlier post. They got him and his son.

But what gets me is the rather pathetic thinly disguised spam I now get from NATO, Dave and Sharkozy. Obviously a means to claw back the monies spent on jet fuel n bombs in our pursuit of cheap oil, which the Chinese are gonna get anyways.

""My name is Nick Cam, Executive Director, Foreign Exchange, Ecobank Plc. I am 54 years, and I have been in the current position since 2005, and I may be retiring before the next 3 years, and that is what necessitates this brief message to you with firm belief that we both can mutually compliment one another in a уnce in a life time opportunity' that's currently available in my office and which I intend to maximally exploit.

There is thirty five million dollars ($35,000.000.00) in an escrow account under my direct supervision whose owner, colonel Mouarmer Ghadafi has just been killed. The colonel did not name any specific next of kin, but he did indicated that his son, S. Al Islam should assume ownership in the event of his death. It is not possible for the National Transition Council N.T.C of Libya to trace this fund or any other in other several African banks because the late president merely used special codes, and unlike in western countries where banks are under obligation to disclose every deposits with secret codes to government for possible asset frozen, such arbitrary regulation does not applies in Africa.

And for now, Ghadafi family is confused and totally disorganised to trace some of their wealth scattered around the world, and this is why I have decided to strike now.

I will assemble all the necessary papers for transfer including a purpoted letter of consent from Ghadafi son or any member of his family, and upon ratification by head of our legal department whom I have incorporated into this deal, transfer is now ready to be made to an account to be provided by you anywhere in the world.

After successful transfer to your bank account, I will destroy every record relating to this transaction by setting my office on fire, and 12 months after the incident, I will put in my resignation letter. Mission acomplished.

I will give you not more than 30% of the entire fund for your commitment, support and trust while you hold the remaining 70% for me in trust and advice on possible viable investment options for my consideration pending final disengagement from Ecobank.

If divine mind that pervades the Universe has considered you worthy and have chosen you to be my confidant; then acknowledge my letter and estabish contact with me ASAP. Please reply to my official e-mail adress

DCamandNSar@nato.com""

Perhaps it was all started by the Nigerians all along.

JCF

They’ve got bacon. Nice greasy fatty bacon. Abu does run a good hotel. Secret though has gone for fish and horseradish for his brekker. A protein only start to the day he says. We have all been conned into eating carbo cereal. Good point, though I would rather be fat on Crunchy Nut, than smell of Billingsgate.

Right, education time. It all kicks off at the local medical school at 8.

Our taxi gets lost on the 2 kilometre trip there and we arrive late.

The celeb launching the conference is the quintessentially English doctor David Elliot. A mix of Bond, Q and M, all he has to sport for a lifetime as the best ever UK dive doctor is an OBE. The same as Collingwood got for playing one test match. He’s in his eighties and only mentions the war twice. The first time about a colleague who smuggled injured sailors across a Hun Norwegian blockade, the second to thank the Poles for helping out in the Battle of Britain.

The 2 Germans sitting in front of me hang their heads in shame.

Next up a Spanish professor reveals his obsession for Chopin, the Polish songster. His own research over many years has revealed that Chopin may have had chronic carbon monoxide poisoning from open braziers whilst in Majorca. Nice diagnosis. Shame he’s already been dead for 100 years though.

Pork based lunch is early today. This is because the third talk is cancelled.

The Portuguese Navy have failed to turn up. Yup, no sign of our brave allies. They were going to tell us about the results of 10 years worth of treatments in their facility. So its not like they haven’t had time to practise their talk. Just no sign of them at all. They’ve obviously been hanging out with the French navy too long.

The other talks in brief:

A Dane on carbon dioxide assessment. Boring.

A Swede modifies a defibrillator to work in high pressures- though only in theory.

Frenchie has figured out that the worse a neurological bend is- the worse the outcome.

The Norwegians tell us that a psychological factor in diving accidents is “panic”. No shit.

The Portuguese Navy have turned up. They went to the wrong venue. Magellan must be turning in his grave.

The Aussies designed a proforma to predict the bends in tuna farmers and PADI instructors. Sadly it didn’t work.

Germany’s Dr Koch. Fwoop. (This IS terribly funny at 4pm after a day of lectures) has worked out more blood flows to the brain after exercise in a chamber. Perhaps they should make it mandatory for footballers.

A Russian talks us through static apnoea. That’s holding your breath to you and me. It’s a sport you know. Lying face down in a pool, people are timed. The record is 11 minutes for blokes and 8 for birds. Cant see it knocking the darts and wrestling off Sky Sports 2 though.

And finally a Turk has designed a Bluetooth dive computer. Its only got a 2 centimetre range and doesn’t work in the water though.

That’s it for educatin’ for the day.

The evening finishes in a mature fashion. Secret is seen naked in an Old Town fountain, whilst Janky and Si are under house arrest for impersonating doctors.

Secret Canadian needs to get out of his “professional isolation”. Well, it is a lonely job being only one of twenty doctors in a rare specialisation in the UK. So we have acceded to tearful demands, and Janky and Simon are going to his aid to meet others of the same ilk.

So like getting the last 2 butterflies to meet across a thousand miles of rainforest, we have him on a jet plane to the Rabble-rousing-docker-striking capital of Poland. Gdansk.

Yes, it’s the 37th Annual Meeting of the European Underwater Baromedical Society.

(For mild amusement see 34th here: )

EUBS for short- no, not UBE’S, that’s Unnecessary Breast Examinations, as performed by lecherous old doctors in Harley Street, and where the punters have to pay over 100 quid for the pleasure.

The fine hyperbaric and diving doctors of Europe have been meeting annually since the early seventies to cross pollinate and get pissed on cheap euro beers across this fine continent.

We haven’t bothered going for the last few years, mainly because the destinations have been shit (Aberdeen), too Muslim (Istanbul) or just plain scary (Clapham Junction). But Gdansk is perfect. A beach, a river and empty streets as the locals are all working in the UK.

That is why Secret, Janky and Si find themselves in a cab at 3 a.m. Now, there’s only one thing worse than getting a rusty Mondeo at that hour of the morning. And that is when it has to take you to a Ryanair flight. F*** our luck that the worlds decent airlines don’t fly to northern Poland. We are now at that Irish hood’s mercy. But having used this appauling airline before, Janky was well prepared. I had Secret amputate my lower legs, catheterise me and remove my vagus nerve (there are no sickbags as there are no seatback holders). It was almost like flying Emirates after that.

Never trust the BBC 5 day forecast. Infact, never trust the BBC at all really. Sunny with light showers. Bastard huge electrical storms actually Michael Fish, you muppet. None of us had anything remotely umbrella-y, so the five hours we have to wait for our rooms to be made ready are spent in the bar on the river front, watching the water level rise to Biblical levels.

We are staying at the Hamza Hotel. Presumably named after its owner, Abu Hamza. Nice to see the Muslim Radicals branching out into the tourist market. There was even a ritual beheading of one of the 10 year old cleaning staff for stealing used loo paper, laid on for us as a welcome. Beats a fruit bowl.

The combined IQ of Janky, Secret and Si has to be well over 500. So it is a little surprising that none of us brought out an agenda, a print off of the events to come or even the hotel name. I blame Secret, as the youngest he is in charge. After a frantic email retrieval, we have a meet’n’greet kicking off in an hour in the Old Town, hosted by none other than the most moustachiod Nobel prize winner in history. Lech out of Solidarnosc himself.

Sadly Lech has “family issues”. He has sent a note of apology instead. The welcome reception is a huge success. Set in Arthur’s Room, a high ceiling-ed medieval hall; it is full of tapestries and armour and check this…THE WORLD’S BIGGEST RENAISSANCE STOVE; we don’t miss Lech, but get stuck into sausage and wine.

3 glasses in and Secret has come back to inform us that he has been dissed by a rival doctor. That’s 2 now on Janky’s hit list. The other is a wanker German who caused problems in Barcelona 5 years ago.

Never forgive, never forget, always get even.

That’s all my Dad ever taught me. We’ll bide our time and get them between courses at the Gala Dinner in a few days.

The evening finishes at a molecular food restaurant in town. Si has the tomato soup with nitrogen. He thinks it’s a typo for the word croutons. It’s not. They bring out 2 pails of liquid gas and pour it in his bowl with a blob of cheese on top.

“Tastes cold” he says.

IT ALL KICKED OFF DOWN MY STREET LAST NIGHT. So what better way to spend a dull Tuesday soir, than to visit me local riot.

I've gotta say, what Janky saw was one of the most pathetic sights representing the most pathetic aspects of this shit country since probably the Suez Crisis. We are now a laughing stock to the rest of the world, and make Greece look like Germany. Most of us have now watched the feeds, sucked up Sky News [happy that Murdoch's off the front page sans doubte]and all called for public flogging, but hear the truth from Janky....the man who was there..

THE POLITICIANS....

Livingstone, you had almost rehabilitated yourself after losing the Mayoral play-offs. Not too bad on LBC with Mellor, you have talked sense recently. But not last night, the usual nasal whiny, its the police/society, but not 10 years of feckless Labour governance which allows fools to go to Uni and wonder why they cant get a job to cover their debts after. That allows anyone to stay on benefits for as long as they want and complain about a lack of jobs, when there are more Poles than in Kracow working and saving in London. That allows the Welfare State to cease to be a safety net for the needy, but to in fact create greater need in the long term. And allows single parent families to flourish with little input from the mothers and absent fathers so children seek acceptance from gang culture as there is no love from anyone in the family home. Mind you , you are not as bad as..

Diane Abbott. Can we call an Emperor's Clothes here. Christ, this woman is stupid. A place at Cambridge must have been a clerical error. I have had the (dis)pleasure of interviewing here twice and found her to be clueless and valueless. I once held her up for her policy when in power of recruiting all the best Caribbean teachers for UK sink estate schools. "Whose left then to bring on the Carib kids/isnt this like plundering the best of other cultures for our museums etc?" I asked. Silence on the other end of the line. Sorry Abbott, you have traded on your blackness and female gender for long enough. Go the same way as Paul Boateng and piss off from our screens. Mind you, you are not as bad as....

Theresa May. Still had time for the hairdo love, before you did the rounds this morning. So our Home Secretary had to get Daddy Dave back to sort out the mess. You stood still and let this happen. You did not have the wit to defuse anything after the second night of riots and so allowed the third. When there are 4 coppers standing at Clapham Junction for 3 hours trying to quell a 300 strong baying mob, perhaps a call to the local Army barracks might have been useful. You hadn't the balls to issue tasers, or even allow fire engines to become water cannons when they are being attacked. Can we all agree that the days of career politicians should be over, if this is what produces Ms May. And...who blackballed Cameron's choice for chief of the Met..yes the American who dropped the crime rate in NY and LA by 60% whilst taking on gang culture? Yes you Theresa. He seems like the shoe in now doesn't he. Do the decent thing and piss off back to banking you fat housewife. RESIGN

THE POLICE....

You just stood there. Just stood there like petrified bunnies in the headlights. The whole pub was roaring with laughter at that wheelie bin attack footage. A yoof pushed it at 10 of you, you all parted like the Red Sea and formed an attack line 100 metres away from the angry teens. Hopeless. The reason why there was so much rock throwing and looting was because you did nothing, they knew they could get away with it from the night before. STOP worrying what the press/Guardianistas think about kettling, tazering and a bit of a baton charge, and do what is right at the time. You must have had someone who got the messages about where it was kicking off...so why weren't you there in force at CJ to stop them hoodieing up outside. Do the 12 year olds terrify you? Is policing about PC first, constable?

20 paras could have done better than 200 of you. I know where I would put my money at the next cabinet funding rounds. Next time a gangly yob girly throws a rock at you- go whack him on the knee, cuff him with those plastic thingies and tazer him for good luck. That's what you like doing- and that's what we pay out taxes to see on 24 hour rolling news. Act natural, plod.

THE PRESS....

Surprisingly good last night, and dare I say it actually brave. Sky were mob fronted by 200 down the Junction and stood their ground. Maybe I wont go to Virgin after all. The soundman, though was very quick to lock himself into his van when I pointed out that 5 scarvies were about to do the Carphone Shithouse. Shoeman reckons that the reason there was such sadness in the reporting is that so many of Sky and the Beeb live near CJ..is doesn't do well for the house prices, eh. But thanks to both channels for calling the riot area "Clapham". Actually, it is Battersea, but don't tell the yuppies going to Foxtons who are gonna shell out over a mill for my gaff when it's time for a move.

THE PARENTS....

What kind of twats let a 12 year old out all night to come home booty laden at 2 in the morning? Yes, feckless, dole scrounging, crack ho' mammas, and Babyfathers off creating their 5th kid by their fifth "bitch". This has got to stop. If your kid is responsible for some of this, and you did not give a damn, then lets look at your benefits, pay you in food and cover your ute bills. Pathetic. And, AfroCaribbean community leaders- it's time you got a grip on your community. Stop whingeing, the Chinese and Asians who were all outside their shops defending them from your looters came here with exactly the same chances as you. And their kids are all at medical school, whilst yours flip burgers. Use these events to promote better role models than Gangsta Rappers to your community. No more excuses.

THE PUNKS....

Basically, it was 12 to 18 year old, being coordinated by older thieves. Parked up, off side roads near CJ were vans, where the booty was taken by the little 'uns. They would then go back for more on the orders of these modern Fagins. I heard one shout.."Get in the van, were off to Brent Cross now..."

The only 2 shops together that weren't banged in were....you've guessed it.. Waterstone's and Rymans.

CAN'T READ CAN'T WRITE.

And to almost burn down Dub Vendor- the oldest Rasta music shop was frickin' daft. YOu've lost your roots man.

For you it was about a lot of things...no not society/lack of opportunity in life or hatred for the police. It was about the fact you knew you could get away with it, as you saw 5/0 would do nothing to stop you. It was about the buzz..the same buzz football hoolies get when rucking, the heady endogenous opiate release of going wild.

But it was about one more thing.

I saw a guy in his Sainsbury's uniform walking out of the hole in the JD sports window, with 10 boxes of trainers.

It was about greed.

But when we see Fred Goodwin with his million dollar pension, and bankers noses back in the bonus troughs, whilst the rest of us have to tighten our belts after their fuck ups- can we really point such pusillanimous fingers at those who would do the same, only in their way.

JCF

As we sink deeper into the current EU farce, and still nowhere do they mention that the Greeks only raise 2% of the possible tax haul, as well as have a mandatory retirement at 55 [show THAT to the Germans on the factory floor and you'll have a fourth Reich], we need to look closely at our neighbours.

Agreed they hate the English less than our nearest and dearest [hoots/there's lovely/begorrah]but still they have a total resistance to taking on our language fully.

Overheard on a plane from 2 Asian ladies- "where are you from".."South Korea", "oh, me I am from Taiwan". A conversation fully in the Queen's English.

Admit it Euro...you will be speaking it as a first tongue in 50 years and your dialect will go the same way as Cornish, Celt and Cymru.Music, movies and the web will see to that. And a good thing too when you look closely at what is spoken across the European plains.

The Czechs insist on making me try to speak a bit of their lingo.

But as I point out, you may have given the world "Robot", a blind King that went in to battle at Crecy tied to his consorts either side [he was shot by an archer early doors]and the Skoda Yeti, but you know what....??

Any language which has no word for toes, yes TOES, like at the end of your feet, is not worth learning.

For Wenceslas sake, that is etymologically insane!

We all know words come from things we commonly use or see...hence Eskimos don't have a word for a desert or an X-Box, or the Bedouin for a polar bear or sausages, but that is understandable. But Czech-dudes, toes are like, there all the time, you see them fifty times a day [unless you were the Blind King John of Bohemia] and you stub them on heavy oak banqueting tables in your beer cellars. You HAVE to have a word for them.

"No, they are called fingers". Seriously they are..it must cause chaos at the fracture clinic..

"I need an x-ray of a finger"

"Which one of the twenty possibles, doctor"

How can you expect anyone to bother to learn your language, when you can't be darned to figure out there's a difference between the distal hand and foot.

Rant over, though they have a comeback.

"What is the English for the little bells- like on a jesters hat?"

Bells

"What do you call the big bells in a church or your Houses of Parliament"

Bells

"Ah, in Czech they all have different names"

Hmmm, I felt a bit impotent here, we are a bit mono-wordy on that front.

So come on OED lets get a few more terms for tinkling metal inverted receptacles with clappers in, than we have. Bell-end seems to be the only variation.

Mind you , on the 7 words for snow hypothesis, the Czechs have so many words, as the bell is so integral into society there.

That's what happens when you are repeatedly invaded for 2000 years.

Tadaa, touche, we'll just stick with the one thanks.

However...we can all point at the Germans for the most bizarre hypowordism.

Shoes are well....shoes.

But what do you put on your hand when its cold in Bavaria?

Gloves. NO SIREE. "hand shoes" is what you put on to avoid frostbite.

Bizarre.

Next time you buy an Audi, don't forget to lock the "hand-shoe box" when you put the satnav in there.

Vorshprung durch technik, my arse.

JCF